If I were Paul, the octopus, I would right now be laughing my heart out over the stupidity of men. Though one of the most intelligent invertebrates myself, I always thought that man’s intelligence was superior to that of all other creatures. I really used to envy this creature, which had the power to keep other living beings in captivity. Well, I don’t think so any more. If man can think that an invertebrate like me has psychic powers, you can imagine how dumb he must be. Here I am, all of 2 ½ years old, with a maximum life of another one year, quietly sitting in my tank at the Sea Life Centre, Oberhausen, Germany, wistfully thinking of what my life would have been if I were living in my natural habitat - the sea. A few men then decided that I was not to be left in peace. Ever since the 2010 edition of the World Cup Football began, they have been bent upon making my life miserable and are making me predict outcomes of matches. I don’t even know what football matches are. My concern is only my next meal, and I gobble up any tasty looking morsel. In all certainty, I won’t be around for the next World Cup, thanking heavens! I wonder which hapless creature will be given this arduous task next time! Yesterday, I just finished predicting the outcome of the World Cup finals and was preparing for my afternoon siesta when a thought struck me. If indeed I do have psychic powers which I very much doubt, shouldn’t this most evolved creature called man use this talent of mine for more useful purposes? As of now, my labour is of help only to bookmakers who make money betting on matches. Instead, wouldn’t it make greater sense to use my services to predict rainfall? This would benefit the farmers, they would know what crops to sow and when. If I was used to predict earthquakes, tsunamis and other natural calamities, thousands of lives could be saved. Why, if I had been asked whether Iraq did possess ‘weapons of mass destruction’, the bloody Iraq war could have been averted. Some have praised me that despite being a naturalised German, I have not been biased in my … [Read more...]
If I were Sania Mirza…
I am sure that all of you, whether sport lovers or tennis fans or even critics of Sania Mirza, think that she is one dejected person today with her career going almost nowhere. If I were Sania Mirza, I would like each one of you to know that - strange though it may sound - nothing is farther from the truth. I can proudly say that I am a happy and contented person. I used to be broken hearted whenever I lost a match. But with age and love I have gained a maturity which enables me to handle success and failure with equanimity. As you all know, I started playing tennis as a child and with the years, I blossomed as a player. I started my tennis career in 2003 and it was like a joyride. I surpassed my own expectations many a time and was soon in the numbers game setting tougher and tougher targets for myself. I enjoyed the game as well as the fame which my victories brought. With the adulation came criticism. My tennis exploits were featured on the Sports page while innocent comments and gestures of mine and criticism of my attire graced the first page of newspapers. Appearing in the headlines for the wrong reasons did affect me at first, but I slowly got accustomed to it. Then somehow injuries started plaguing me and they started affecting my play and even participation more and more frequently. In the midst of all this, I got engaged to a childhood friend, Sohrab Mirza. This thrilled the media. But then doubts arose in our minds over our compatibility as life partners and after much deliberation we decided to call it quits. The media went crazy and started attributing all kinds of reasons for our break-up. Then Pakistani cricketer, Shoaib Malik walked into my life and my whole world changed. My priorities altered drastically. I saw that life was much more than tennis. We realised that we were made for each other and decided to tie the knot as soon as possible. No sooner that this news leaked, all hell broke loose. Shoaib and I were attacked by all and sundry. I was labeled a traitor for daring to have fallen in love with a Pakistani. Ironically, I had been awarded the ‘Padma Shri’ four … [Read more...]
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