If I were Paul, the octopus, I would right now be laughing my heart out over the stupidity of men. Though one of the most intelligent invertebrates myself, I always thought that man’s intelligence was superior to that of all other creatures. I really used to envy this creature, which had the power to keep other living beings in captivity. Well, I don’t think so any more. If man can think that an invertebrate like me has psychic powers, you can imagine how dumb he must be.
Here I am, all of 2 ½ years old, with a maximum life of another one year, quietly sitting in my tank at the Sea Life Centre, Oberhausen, Germany, wistfully thinking of what my life would have been if I were living in my natural habitat – the sea. A few men then decided that I was not to be left in peace. Ever since the 2010 edition of the World Cup Football began, they have been bent upon making my life miserable and are making me predict outcomes of matches. I don’t even know what football matches are. My concern is only my next meal, and I gobble up any tasty looking morsel.
In all certainty, I won’t be around for the next World Cup, thanking heavens! I wonder which hapless creature will be given this arduous task next time! Yesterday, I just finished predicting the outcome of the World Cup finals and was preparing for my afternoon siesta when a thought struck me.
If indeed I do have psychic powers which I very much doubt, shouldn’t this most evolved creature called man use this talent of mine for more useful purposes? As of now, my labour is of help only to bookmakers who make money betting on matches.
Instead, wouldn’t it make greater sense to use my services to predict rainfall? This would benefit the farmers, they would know what crops to sow and when. If I was used to predict earthquakes, tsunamis and other natural calamities, thousands of lives could be saved. Why, if I had been asked whether Iraq did possess ‘weapons of mass destruction’, the bloody Iraq war could have been averted.
Some have praised me that despite being a naturalised German, I have not been biased in my prophecies, predicting German victories as well as defeats. Ever since I predicted Germany’s loss to Spain in the quarter-finals, I hear that some Germans want to kill me, some even want to make a dish out of me for dinner. The Spanish want to grant me security to prevent my being bumped off and want to rename me as Pablo. Oh, silly men!
Some animal lovers want me to be released into the sea. I appreciate their concern, but don’t they know that after a life-time of confinement, my survival in the deep would be difficult? I believe I now have competition from Mani – the parrot, from Paulina – the lady octopus and even from a crocodile who have started predicting football match results.
My last thought before falling asleep was– Why are football matches held at all when the outcome of the match can be known just by asking me?
Author: Pratibha Shenoy (Bangalore)
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