If I were Shashi Tharoor

If I were Shashi Tharoor, first of all I would have stayed on with the United Nations, knowing fully well that Indian politics is not my cup of tea. I would have been aware that with my good looks and my earlier experience of dabbling in theatre, getting into movies in Hollywood, Bollywood or even Mollywood would be a more viable option than entering the murky world of Indian politics. Or else, writing, something I am equally good at, would be my full-time career.

If I still was bent upon being a politician, then I would first have a cosmetic surgery done to make myself look ugly. Indians don’t like good-looking politicians and trust them even less. I would shed the dapper suits and try to look as non-assuming as possible. I had wrongly assumed that an angavastram would make me acceptable in Kerala politics, but I realize now that change in attire will not suffice. I have not been thorough in my homework. I need a complete makeover in my attitude too. Being used to only the sophistication of international politics, I would perhaps take a crash course in Indian politics from a seasoned politician.

Somehow, I have managed to contract the ‘foot in the mouth’ disease. My party leaders including party president Madame Gandhi and the honourable Prime Minister himself have tried to cure me but to no avail. I have now realised that the medication is simple. All it entails is learning how not to say what I mean and learning to say what I don’t mean at all. I would forsake Twitter and spend the time hobnobbing with the powers that be in the Government. Anything I did, I would do quietly, because I know now that there are people, even from my own party, waiting to pounce on me, the moment I open my mouth or rather, the minute I typed in a tweet. I would also unlearn the language that I know best, that is English. A handsome politician is bad enough, but one who speaks good English only would only make matters worse.

I would dish out favours to influential people, who would come to my rescue whenever I would need help, which is quite often. I would not approve visas which the high and might (read Lalit Modi) have asked me to reject. If I wanted to make money I wouldn’t use the rich men’s club, IPL, to do it. The public would not like it and envious political leaders across party lines would bay for my blood. So it would make more sense to get involved in a fodder scam or some such scam which is the birthright of every Indian politician.

Mentoring has not turned out very well for me and I would stay away from this otherwise admirable role. And getting a lady, who I am serious about, entangled in any kind of business or political affair would be out of the question. People may forgive your indiscretions. But if a woman you are involved with gets some monetary or professional benefit, then heaven help you.

On the personal front, having married twice and failed both times, I would not even dream of tying the knot again. And now that I have lost my job, I will lie low for some time, train myself in the art of politicking and get to know the party cadre in my constituency. I realize that people have slotted me as a snob and they are not much off the mark. I admit I have completely ignored party members at the grass root level. By getting stripped of my post, I know that I have received my just desserts. Once I have made amends, I will strive for the post of not a junior minister, but one of cabinet rank and this time I will make sure I have the support of party leaders in my constituency, state as well as centre.

Author: Pratibha Shenoy (Basavanagudi, Bangalore)

 Nostalgia: “If I were you, I would quit’’ – Pranab Mukharjee to Shashi Tharoor (sourse: media reports)

Note: These are just “my thoughts” but not to hurt anyone.